i thought i was over it you know, i thought after i reported him i would move on. i was stupid to think that. of course i won't get over it, it was rape for godsake. the one thing you can never get over the one thing you won't forget. i try not to think or speak about it but the past few days have been hard, it's been stuck in my mind playing over and over again. even when the one year passed i wasn't sad, i was happy i made it out but why am i upset about it now? i have no idea. i just hope that one day i'll get my revenge.no one will ever undertsand what it's like. how bad i feel. when you get raped your whole life is changed you may not notice it at first, i didn't but when you do nothing is ever the same. you can't look at men the same let alone people, everyone is hiding something now its more noticable. that evilness will always live in him even if he tries his hardest to hide it, it will sneak out day by day until it consumes him like the rape consumes me.
lorena gallo
the rape of persephone by christoph schwarz

i know he knows im right, theres no hiding what he did that day. he can pretend as much as he wants that it wasn't rape but its so obvious it was, and he knows it. he heard me screaming stop and covered my mouth yet never brings that up when the rape is mentioned, all he says is that i wanted it and that it was all consensual. he even says i sexually assaulted him when in turn it was him every time. he knows it too. me crying when he shoved his dick down my throat, him beating me up for no reason. he knows all these things he did to me yet never mentions it because he knows it'll make him look bad. he's trying his hardest to make me seem like the bad guy here, yes i do admit i was insane i always have been but that doesn't excuse what hes doing to me and what he did to me. i played along with his games, i followed his rules, i became his slave. i find it difficult to think about that time period, none of it feels real, it just felt like i was apart of some experiment. he says he treated me this way to get rid of me but he was doing this from the day he texted me. he wanted me to be disgusting and worthless and he succeeded in doing so because now i get reduced to the things i did for him.

some days i feel so trapped by it, i feel the memories and feelings trapped inside of me begging to be let out, i know it will turn out to be an excuse to bleed again. but i am not letting it come out again, i am not cutting anymore. i'm gonna be 4 months clean in a few weeks i cannot lose that. i try so hard to not let what he did to me control me but god it's so hard sometimes. a funny thing i just realized is that each first letter from his full name spells LIAR. funny right? he was destined from the start. it's only time until they all notice it until he gets his time and i will make sure it happens. he is going to regret what he did to me and she is gonna be devasted for her whole fucking life unless she finally decides to end it, i know she wants to i see it. just fucking do it. girls like you are the reason why no one ever comes forward, don't even dare call yourself a woman u disgusting waste of flesh.go ahead and call me crazy again do it u fucking pussy. god i can't fucking wait for your time in that hell he creates. i hate you just as much as i hate him, my rapist, the one you call to the one who you love the one you say is amazing. HE. IS. A. RAPIST!!!!!!!.

somedays i wonder if i smoke more and more maybe i'll be able to forget about it all. but that won't happen, i can never forget it. even now i find myself blaming myself for what he did to me, maybe if i listened better or if i was prettier he wouldn't have raped me. i did everything he said even the most disgusting dehumanzing shit i did it for HIM. all for you. you piece of shit u fucking ruined me. why? why are u so nice to her? she gets to do everything you never let me do. why her? because she's younger? i was too old for you even tho i was older than you. i don't know why i even do this anymore. you never loved me anyways. why did you love the other girls? i did more than they did. i cut myself for you i pissed myself for you you you you you you you you god